When Everything Comes to a Stop

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Sometimes life deals you a blow and you are forced to drop everything to get through a difficult time. The past three weeks Ellie and I have been dealing with the death of our mother after a long illness. I don’t want to go into all the details but I will say that our creativity has helped us get through this distressing period. Ellie and I did all the planning for the ceremony and wake ourselves and if it wasn’t for all the creative organizational skills that we have learnt over the years, I doubt that we would have coped.

We decided to have a wake at our place and got on with the preparations. In this type of situation it is extremely comforting to separate yourself from everyday life. I did not want to talk to too many people because explaining what had happened became exhausting. Instead I practiced some songs Ellie and I wanted to play at the ceremony. This was very soothing and made us feel a lot more relaxed.

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The wake was to be held in the late afternoon and to limit the amount of work and stress we outsourced many of the necessary tasks. We ordered sandwiches, party pies and quiches from a local cake shop in advance and ordered wine from a local supermarket that also supplied the glasses for free. As we were having this in our home cleaning the house and moving around furniture kept us busy without being mentally or emotionally taxing and we put out some of our mother’s crockery and a tablecloth as a reminder of happier times.

As the front Japanese garden was in a bit of a state we had a gardener do all the weeding and pruning. Luckily I had done most of the back garden so it only needed a bit of spruce up and some quick fixes that did not require a lot of effort on our part. We put some tan bark mulch over the bare area that needs to be paved and shoved some pots of herbs where the garden surrounding our lemon tree had been destroyed by the dogs. We covered the old outdoor furniture with tablecloths and cushions to make it more inviting for those who wished to go outside.

Writing the eulogy and gathering photos for a slide show at the wake was very cathartic and gave us both something to focus on as well as bringing back a lot of happy memories of our mother. This was where my love of writing really helped. It was good to remember some of the amusing or unusual episodes of her life, as well as her achievements. I would have found it much harder to write the eulogy if I had not been writing regularly.

It also made a big difference having had performance experience with the ukulele. I was not nervous about the public speaking or singing aspect of the ceremony. This would have terrified me in the past but when it came to the day Ellie and I were both able to stand up and honor our mother’s memory without falling apart.

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You never know when you will have to hold an event under stressful circumstances so if you have creative and organisational skills it makes a big difference and reduces panic. For such an occasion things don’t need to be perfect and a lot of what we did was smoke and mirrors, with the mulch, pot plants, the textiles and lots of flowers inside (most were sympathy gifts).

At such times it’s funny how you notice the little things. I heard this beautiful bird song and looked out the window. A Song Thrush was singing in a Manchurian Pear tree outside. I had not seen one of these in years. It was glorious and uplifting to hear.

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When you feel sad it is good to go outside. Melbourne has been having a long hot spell and the sun has been shining nearly every day. The foliage looks green from recent rain and it is wonderful to enjoy the outdoors before it gets too hot. On the way to see our solicitor we had time to spare so stopped outside the Melbourne Botanic Gardens. Ellie and I sat on a park bench near a huge Moreton Bay Fig tree. These are one of my favorite trees, which I always wanted to climb as a child.

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We did not have enough time to walk around the gardens but sitting under the trees outside was pleasant. Butterflies were flitting over some Agapanthus plants nearby and it was very peaceful, even with lunchtime joggers passing by every few minutes. After about a quarter of an hour we headed off to the city to deal with the more mundane aspects of life and death, but I kept that tree in my mind. Strong and full of life no matter what happens as the days and years pass.

Kat

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